Bad Ass Politicians

We don't do politics here at Top 5, it just gets messy.  Dave (liberal) and Tim (conservative) are on opposite ends of the spectrum and disagree on many political topics.  But today is Election Day, so we'd be remiss to not do something to honor that.  I was going to do a Top 5 Bat Shit Crazy Politicians list, but it's not easy to do that and keep the actual politics out of it.  Also, that's not really our style.  So here's our Top 5 Bad Ass Politicians.

Al Haig is control of this list!*

5. The Cast of Predator

Their platform: looser gun control laws.

Arnold Schwartzenegger is of course the Governor of California.  Jessie Ventura was the governor of Minnesota.  Sonny Landam ran for Governor of Kentucky.  Shit, let's just vote them all in.  They can personally train their National Guards.  Considering they razed an acre of jungle with machine guns, we're guessing they would not campaign on the environment.

4. John McCain


 McCain's THAC0 was off the charts. 

Shot down over Hanoi, McCain broke both arms and a leg.  The NVA troops who found him thought beating him with a rifle would hurt him. Please.  Losing 50 pounds as he "recovered" in a hospital, his hair turned permanently white.  At one point he was put in a cell with 2 other POWs who did not expect him to live more than a week.  He is unable to lift his arms above his shoulders from the injuries suffered from torture.  To simply survive such an ordeal is an amazing accomplishment.  When his father was appointed commander of all US forces in Vietnam, the North Vietmanese let him go so that Admiral McCain would not wipe their nation off the map.  John McCain however refused to be released.  That's right, just when the NVA was done with McCain, McCain said he was not done with them.  John McCain did not need Rambo.


3. Andrew Jackson


Andrew Jackson is literally money.

Jackson fought 13 duels over his wife's honor.  Ah, the good ol' days.  In 1806 he faced Charles Dickinson, who had 26 kills to his credit.  Clearly he was not a man to be fucked with.  Jackson didn't care.  He challenged Dickinson, which in dueling etiquette meant Dickinson got to fire first.  Got to fire first.  These weren't the kind of duels we think of.  Dickinson hit Jackson but did not kill him, Jackson in turn killed Dikinson--but after his first shot did not fire and Jackson reloaded, an apparent breach of etiquette in dueling.  But Jackson doesn't care for dueling rules.  Due to poor medical technology and the fact that Andrew Jackson is a bad ass, the bullet Jackson was hit with remained inside him for the rest of his life.  As President he survived an assassination attempt when both of the would-be assassin's guns misfired, Jackson beat the assailant with his cane.  That both guns misfired was of course highly curious, so they were tested and both were found to be in perfect working order.  We can only conclude that Jackson was able to strike fear into guns.


2. Harry Truman


Odds are Thomas Dewey built the best bomb shelter you ever saw.

Truman: "Hey Japan, surrender."
Japan: "No way, no how."
Truman: "Well then, fuck you."




Truman: "Give up yet? Or do you want another?"
Japan: "Bullshit.  We're calling your bluff."
Truman: "Okie dokie."



Japan: "Fuck us.  You win."

1. Teddy Roosevelt


Walk softly and carry a big stick. And an even bigger mustache.

Of course.  Created the famous Rough Riders, which was a band of Ivy Leaguers and cowboys riding around on horses killing people.  In their most famous outing, the Battle of San Juan Hill, the Rough Riders charged the hill sans horses.  It doesn't get much manlier than that.  After being President, he decided he'd like to settle down and... hunt big game in Africa for the Smithsonian.  He and his men killed or captured over 11,000 animals.  A few hundred of them were for the purposes of eating.  Once he was shot in the chest, but being an expert hunter he knew that since he wasn't coughing up blood he was okay, so he declined medical attention and proceed to give a 90 minute speech that began with "Ladies and gentlemen, I don't know whether you fully understand that I have just been shot."  He enjoyed boxing, and would regularly spar as President. He stopped when his retina was detached from his eye, so he replaced boxing with judo.  He also enjoyed the martial art singlestick, which is essentially two guys hitting each other with a stick.  In the dead of winter he would skinny dip in the Potomac.  As President he created The Great White Fleet, a 16 ship fleet that traveled the world to show off American military might.  That we were never attacked while Teddy was President is proof that it worked.  Four years after leaving office, he created a new party, ran again beat the incumbent President.  What's not to love.

*Nobody ever gets that reference.