Thursday, July 1, 2010

Lame Comic Book Characters

Last week we did our favorite comic book characters. Today it's the worst of the worst.

Multiple Man would be #1 on our sister site, Infinite List.
He'd also be #2 through ∞

It's tough to create a good comic book character, you never know exactly what readers are going to respond to. For example two of the most popular characters are a guy who dresses up like a bat, and his arch enemy who wears clown makeup. So we can let mediocre ones slide. But these 5, all big enough to at least appear, if not "star" in a movie or TV show, are inexcusable. We present them in no particular order, because ranking this shit is too painful.


She probably shoplifted all of her outfit.

You know what the X Men needed? A bratty teenage mallrat. Because it's not enough that the kids reading comic books are bratty teenage mallrats. Oh, and she rollerblades. So she's lame and dated. Jubilee is a rich girl from Beverly Hills, which of course really resonates with a majority of readers, who's superpower is... fireworks. That's great for holidays, but against actual villians? Ha! She couldn't save the day, and you didn't want her to. The powers that be wised up and essentially killed her off on the purging M-Day.

Howard the Duck

You had to pay 30 cents for this crap?

Somehow, some way, they decided to make a movie out of this. It was a piece of crap. Howard has no superpowers or special abilities. Because he's a duck. If you're not going to have superpowers, then you better be a badass, like Batman or The Punisher. But Howard can't be a badass, because he's a duck. Or maybe he could do something cool like build a time travel device and get into hairy situations when he tries to save the world from Hitler or George Bush. But he can't do that either, because he's a duck. He does know "Quack Fu," but come on, that's terrible. They really need to make Eric Ripert his nemesis. I'll have the Howard a L'Orange please.


His arch enemy: a frozen flag pole.

Toad originally possessed superhuman leg strength and a giant tongue. But the writers realized that only Gene Simmons would like this character, and so they began to make changes. It didn't matter. There's nothing that can make Toad cool. They made his tongue more powerful, but it didn't change the fact that his tongue was the only thing going for him. Sure, he seemed kind of cool in the X-Men movies, but that was part of the problem. In comic books he was nothing more than a petty thief and a lackey, and of all the secondary characters to choose from in the X-Men world, they chose a guy who hasn't showered since the Carter administration.


I forgot my homework!

Most people have nightmares about going to work with no pants on. Robin has nightmares about going to work with pants on. His pederastic relationship with Batman was obviously creepy, but we just don't get what Batman sees in Robin. He offers no complimentary skills to Batman, being that he's smaller, weaker and slower than Batman, and his mental skills aren't nearly that of Bruce Wayne. Well, if Batman comes across some Viet Cong like system of tunnels that he doesn't feel like risking his life in, he can send Robin in first. He offers little help in the stealth department as his costume is three different, vibrant colors. Batman can hide in the shadows, Robin can only hide in the apple section of the grocery store.


I'm more scared of the trout. They probably carry disease.

The ability to live underwater and to communicate and summon sea life could be pretty awesome. But not on Aquaman. To be able to survive the depths of the ocean only comes in handy when you run away like the scared little girl that you are. His outfit looked corny in the 50s and yet they never change it. Summoning sea creatures is great only if your enemy is in the water. And yes, 70% of the Earth is water, but 100% of the people on it live on the land. So while superheros are dying in the mountains and deserts, Aquaman's hanging out with some tuna and a starfish. Good times. Best of all, he lost his hand once... to piranhas. Not to a villain, no, to sea life. Way to go Aquaman. It's no wonder he's a joke on Entourage.

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