Characters We Don't Want To See In Star Wars 3D

We've been away for a while. Boo fucking hoo.

It was recently announced that Star Wars will be re-released in 3D. The Battle of Yavin, light sabre fights, the asteroid field in Empire Strikes Back... all could be really cool in 3D. We're looking forward to it. What we're not looking forward to is seeing these 5 characters popping out of our screen.

1. Jar Jar Binks

Because he's fucking Jar Jar Binks.

2. That Guy Who Cried When the Rancor Died



He's fat, ugly and topless. He dresses terribly, and is probably covered in sweat. You could cut this guy out of the script and lose nothing. But George Lucas will spend $25 million on making his muffin top and cape he inexplicably wears on his head flop around right in your face. In fairness, he should be credited with setting the grunge trends of wearing a long sleeve shirt wrapped around your waist, and not showering.

3. Lando's Co-Pilot



Yes, I know these characters have names. If you know their names without looking them up, you need to go outside and enjoy nature. Right now. Don't be scared, you might like it.

Some people have double chins, Lando's co-pilot has double cheeks. He looks like Dumb Donald from Fat Albert, and sounds like Mushmouth. Come to think of it, they outta sue George Lucas. Not for stealing their characters, but for making them into something so terrible.

(I just noticed that the photo I used is autographed. Let us all take a moment to reflect on the fact that someone's life got one step closer to fulfillment because they got a picture of this guy autographed.)

4. Young Boba Fett



There will be enough bratty kids already in the theater, and they'll probably be kicking you from behind or sitting next to you kicking you in the leg or spilling popcorn on you. And now you'll have one popping out of the screen in front you. Unlike that little squirt in the next row, he won't be whining for a friggin' Butterfinger. No, he'll just be whining for the hell of it. His one saving grace is that you'll get to see him hold his dad's detached head in his hands as he weeps, realizing that for the first time in his life he'll have to go out and work for something. No longer will he have anything just given to him, except for Jango Fett's head.

5. Watto



He's obviously disgusting and a creep. And having his one tooth stick out at you would be pretty bad. Then there's the added bonus of there's flies that surround his near dead carcass in Attack of the Clones. But even worse is that about the time you see Watto, the saddening realization that you have paid money to see Attack of the Clones again will have sunk in, and by then it's too late.