Badass Teachers

When you were a kid, did you ever wonder what your teachers did outside of the classroom?  There's no way it was as cool as what these guys did in their spare time.

 We're sure he wasn't an auctioneer.

Fictional Characters We Hate

There are fictional characters we hate because we're supposed to and the actor does a fantastic job, like Michael Chiklis in The Shield or Ben Linus from Lost.  Then there are characters that ruin movies for us.  This list is about them.

Really, Jar Jar Binks is #1, but you knew that already.

Bad Ass Politicians

We don't do politics here at Top 5, it just gets messy.  Dave (liberal) and Tim (conservative) are on opposite ends of the spectrum and disagree on many political topics.  But today is Election Day, so we'd be remiss to not do something to honor that.  I was going to do a Top 5 Bat Shit Crazy Politicians list, but it's not easy to do that and keep the actual politics out of it.  Also, that's not really our style.  So here's our Top 5 Bad Ass Politicians.

Al Haig is control of this list!*

5. The Cast of Predator

Their platform: looser gun control laws.

Arnold Schwartzenegger is of course the Governor of California.  Jessie Ventura was the governor of Minnesota.  Sonny Landam ran for Governor of Kentucky.  Shit, let's just vote them all in.  They can personally train their National Guards.  Considering they razed an acre of jungle with machine guns, we're guessing they would not campaign on the environment.

4. John McCain


 McCain's THAC0 was off the charts. 

Shot down over Hanoi, McCain broke both arms and a leg.  The NVA troops who found him thought beating him with a rifle would hurt him. Please.  Losing 50 pounds as he "recovered" in a hospital, his hair turned permanently white.  At one point he was put in a cell with 2 other POWs who did not expect him to live more than a week.  He is unable to lift his arms above his shoulders from the injuries suffered from torture.  To simply survive such an ordeal is an amazing accomplishment.  When his father was appointed commander of all US forces in Vietnam, the North Vietmanese let him go so that Admiral McCain would not wipe their nation off the map.  John McCain however refused to be released.  That's right, just when the NVA was done with McCain, McCain said he was not done with them.  John McCain did not need Rambo.


3. Andrew Jackson


Andrew Jackson is literally money.

Jackson fought 13 duels over his wife's honor.  Ah, the good ol' days.  In 1806 he faced Charles Dickinson, who had 26 kills to his credit.  Clearly he was not a man to be fucked with.  Jackson didn't care.  He challenged Dickinson, which in dueling etiquette meant Dickinson got to fire first.  Got to fire first.  These weren't the kind of duels we think of.  Dickinson hit Jackson but did not kill him, Jackson in turn killed Dikinson--but after his first shot did not fire and Jackson reloaded, an apparent breach of etiquette in dueling.  But Jackson doesn't care for dueling rules.  Due to poor medical technology and the fact that Andrew Jackson is a bad ass, the bullet Jackson was hit with remained inside him for the rest of his life.  As President he survived an assassination attempt when both of the would-be assassin's guns misfired, Jackson beat the assailant with his cane.  That both guns misfired was of course highly curious, so they were tested and both were found to be in perfect working order.  We can only conclude that Jackson was able to strike fear into guns.


2. Harry Truman


Odds are Thomas Dewey built the best bomb shelter you ever saw.

Truman: "Hey Japan, surrender."
Japan: "No way, no how."
Truman: "Well then, fuck you."




Truman: "Give up yet? Or do you want another?"
Japan: "Bullshit.  We're calling your bluff."
Truman: "Okie dokie."



Japan: "Fuck us.  You win."

1. Teddy Roosevelt


Walk softly and carry a big stick. And an even bigger mustache.

Of course.  Created the famous Rough Riders, which was a band of Ivy Leaguers and cowboys riding around on horses killing people.  In their most famous outing, the Battle of San Juan Hill, the Rough Riders charged the hill sans horses.  It doesn't get much manlier than that.  After being President, he decided he'd like to settle down and... hunt big game in Africa for the Smithsonian.  He and his men killed or captured over 11,000 animals.  A few hundred of them were for the purposes of eating.  Once he was shot in the chest, but being an expert hunter he knew that since he wasn't coughing up blood he was okay, so he declined medical attention and proceed to give a 90 minute speech that began with "Ladies and gentlemen, I don't know whether you fully understand that I have just been shot."  He enjoyed boxing, and would regularly spar as President. He stopped when his retina was detached from his eye, so he replaced boxing with judo.  He also enjoyed the martial art singlestick, which is essentially two guys hitting each other with a stick.  In the dead of winter he would skinny dip in the Potomac.  As President he created The Great White Fleet, a 16 ship fleet that traveled the world to show off American military might.  That we were never attacked while Teddy was President is proof that it worked.  Four years after leaving office, he created a new party, ran again beat the incumbent President.  What's not to love.

*Nobody ever gets that reference.

Things We Love About Wes

So, some back story to this site.  A while back there was one of those 6 week Facebook fads where everyone and their mother compiled their own Top 5 List.  Top 5 pro wrestlers, Top 5 sports teams you hate, that kind of thing.  One day at work we were having a very slow day and to pass the time Tim suggested that he, Dave and Wes do their own Top 5 lists.  It was a little exercise to kill time and get to know each other a little better.  We'd come back to this when it got slow, and then one day Dave had the bright idea to make a website out of it, and so here we are.  Along the way we've had some guest stars when other co-workers were scheduled with us, but for the most part it's just been the usual trio.  But now we are sad to announce that Wes is no longer with us.*  In his honor, here are our Top 5 Things We Love About Wes.

Sci Fi Movies

As you probably already can tell, we are geeks.  We're not live-in-our-mother's basement dweebs or Trekkies, we just like a really good sci fi show or movies. So here's our Top 5 Sci Fi movies.  Let's get to it...

You're not cutting it E.T., but we do like that you're an alcoholic.

People We'd Like To See Stuck In A Chilean Mine

The world needs heroes.  This week, the world got a look at 33 brave souls who endured unimaginable conditions to survive a horrific mine collapse in Chile.  They survived for the first 17 days on a sip of milk and two bites of tuna... every 48 hours.  It was unbearably hot and humid and the air was disgusting.  And no one had any idea they if were alive during that time.  They all survived, they all made it.  (Side note: some of the survivors from the rugby team who's plane crashed and was the basis of the movie Alive were there to talk to the miners for support.  That strikes us as a terrible idea. "If you get hungry, just eat Fred" is not the advice we want them to give.)  With that in mind, here's our top five people we'd like to see trapped in a mine.  We're in no rush to save them.

We'd stick him far underground, but he'd be right at home.

Characters We Don't Want To See In Star Wars 3D

We've been away for a while. Boo fucking hoo.

It was recently announced that Star Wars will be re-released in 3D. The Battle of Yavin, light sabre fights, the asteroid field in Empire Strikes Back... all could be really cool in 3D. We're looking forward to it. What we're not looking forward to is seeing these 5 characters popping out of our screen.

1. Jar Jar Binks

Because he's fucking Jar Jar Binks.

2. That Guy Who Cried When the Rancor Died



He's fat, ugly and topless. He dresses terribly, and is probably covered in sweat. You could cut this guy out of the script and lose nothing. But George Lucas will spend $25 million on making his muffin top and cape he inexplicably wears on his head flop around right in your face. In fairness, he should be credited with setting the grunge trends of wearing a long sleeve shirt wrapped around your waist, and not showering.

3. Lando's Co-Pilot



Yes, I know these characters have names. If you know their names without looking them up, you need to go outside and enjoy nature. Right now. Don't be scared, you might like it.

Some people have double chins, Lando's co-pilot has double cheeks. He looks like Dumb Donald from Fat Albert, and sounds like Mushmouth. Come to think of it, they outta sue George Lucas. Not for stealing their characters, but for making them into something so terrible.

(I just noticed that the photo I used is autographed. Let us all take a moment to reflect on the fact that someone's life got one step closer to fulfillment because they got a picture of this guy autographed.)

4. Young Boba Fett



There will be enough bratty kids already in the theater, and they'll probably be kicking you from behind or sitting next to you kicking you in the leg or spilling popcorn on you. And now you'll have one popping out of the screen in front you. Unlike that little squirt in the next row, he won't be whining for a friggin' Butterfinger. No, he'll just be whining for the hell of it. His one saving grace is that you'll get to see him hold his dad's detached head in his hands as he weeps, realizing that for the first time in his life he'll have to go out and work for something. No longer will he have anything just given to him, except for Jango Fett's head.

5. Watto



He's obviously disgusting and a creep. And having his one tooth stick out at you would be pretty bad. Then there's the added bonus of there's flies that surround his near dead carcass in Attack of the Clones. But even worse is that about the time you see Watto, the saddening realization that you have paid money to see Attack of the Clones again will have sunk in, and by then it's too late.

Post-Apocalyptic Movies

Here at Top 5, we're ready for the apocalypse. Heck, we even warned you about the zombie apocalypse a while back. So it's time we looked at our favorite post-apocalyptic movies.

Christian Bale is going to slice all our faces off for not putting Equilibrium on this list.

Gridiron Heroes

NFL training camps open up across the league this week, so we thought it would be a good time to give our Top 5 favorite players from our favorite teams. Wes, who isn't a football fan anyways, was out last week, so Ryan stepped in for him.

Medieval Weapons

"What now? Let me tell you what now. I'ma call a coupla hard, pipe-hittin' niggers, who'll go to work on the homes here with a pair of pliers and a blow torch. You hear me talkin', hillbilly boy? I ain't through with you by a damn sight. I'ma get medieval on your ass." - Pulp Fiction

The ball gag could be considered medieval.

Okay Marcelus, but pliers and a blow torch ain't medieval. Try these. Guest starring Scott.

Lame Comic Book Characters

Last week we did our favorite comic book characters. Today it's the worst of the worst.


Multiple Man would be #1 on our sister site, Infinite List.
He'd also be #2 through ∞

It's tough to create a good comic book character, you never know exactly what readers are going to respond to. For example two of the most popular characters are a guy who dresses up like a bat, and his arch enemy who wears clown makeup. So we can let mediocre ones slide. But these 5, all big enough to at least appear, if not "star" in a movie or TV show, are inexcusable. We present them in no particular order, because ranking this shit is too painful.

Comic Book Characters

We're back! We're quasi-geeks here at Top 5, and we're okay with that. Here's our Top 5 comic book characters, both the superheroes and the villians.

Guest starring Scott.

There's only four of you, so no, you don't make the list.

USA vs England

The World Cup Starts today, and tomorrow the US takes on England in it's biggest game since... last year. There will be a lot of people who don't know much about soccer watching, so we feel it's our patriotic duty (even for Wes, who's Canadian by birth) to give you a primer. So here are the Top 5 things we'd like to see happen in the US/England World Cup match tomorrow.


We asked Tim Howard for his input, but he's still thinking about it.

Guitar Solos

The guitar is the backbone of rock. The marrow that runs through it is the guitar solo.

Here are our favorite solos. Favorite being the key word. Don't like it? Leave us your own.

Eruption isn't on here. Sue us.

2010 Playoff Beards

One of the best things about playoff hockey is the infamous Playoff Beard. Often duplicated by other sports, it is never truly replicated. In honor of the Stanley Cup Finals beginning on Saturday, here are our Top 5 Playoff Beards for 2010. Only the Finalists, the Philadelphia Flyers and the Chicago Blackhawks are eligible. You'll notice that it's mainly Flyers, for two reasons. One, I'm a huge Flyers fan. Two, let's face it, they have the better beards.


Flyers captain and hero Mike Richards is looking forward to this list.

Westerns and Their Mustaches

A great western is hard to beat. Action, drama, fantastic actors, wonderful costumes, elegant set pieces and beautiful scenic locations... they've got it all. Oh, and they've usually got some great mustaches.

There is no better movie for mustaches than Tombstone.

The Doors

This list will not go over well in New Haven, Connecticut. If you've ever been to New Haven, well... I'm sorry that you have.


This is not like that scene in Kinsey. Hopefully.

Filling in for Tim is Heather. Fittingly, these lists go from Five to One.

Wes

5. Riders on the Storm
4. When the Music's Over
3. Five to One
2. The End
1. LA Woman

Dave

5. Love Me Two Times
4. Take It As It Comes
3. The Crystal Ship
2. Light My Fire
1. Touch Me

Heather

5. Light My Fire
4. Break on Through
3. The End
2. LA Woman
1. Five to One

Robots

Apparently we don't talk enough about robots. Today, that changes...

The Joy of Flying

I just flew over the weekend, and it was a fine experience, as it usually is.  But it's not always.  Here's 5 great annoyances of flying.

You know you're in good hands with Frank Lapidus at the helm.

1. The non-English speaking couple with at least 7 pieces of over-sized luggage and/or boxes who take 20 minutes at the self check-in kiosk and ultimately need to go in line and see an agent anyway, wasting everyone's time.

2. That whenever you really need to be on the flight you're booked on, that's when they ask anyone if they'd like to catch the next flight in exchange for a free ticket; but when you've got all kinds of time, they're never overbooked.

3. Philadelphia International and Boston Logan's baggage handling.  One time I flew from Philly to Atlanta and scheduled at the same game at the same time was a flight to Richmond, VA, which of course is impossible.  I made it to Atlanta just fine, predictably my bags enjoyed a nice trip to Virginia.  This isn't out of the ordinary in Philly.  Then there was the time in Boston where an entire wing of baggage claim was filled with luggage.  There must have been a thousand pieces, it was like a Samsonite showcase.  Not surprisingly, they lost my bag too.  I didn't feel guilty telling them it would have to be driven to New Hampshire.  By 5pm.  Because I gave them my work address.

4. The guy who clearly hasn't flown since at least 2001 and so he has no idea that he needs to take his shoes and belt off, let alone take his laptop out of it's case.  So now the fast moving security line you got in comes to a screeching halt because Grandpa Simpson hasn't been on an airplane since Braniff Airlines was in existence.  You half expect his wife to have a dozen bottles of 32 ounces of liquid and complain that they have to be disposed of.

5. That not every landing is an awesome roller coaster like this is:



That's no accident, that's the way they had to land the planes everytime.

Annoying Songs

We've been off for a while, but we're back with a long(ish) list. It's our Top 5 Most Annoying Songs, ones that make you want to just hurt the people who wrote them, although some of these people seem to enjoy pain, or the publicity. A couple of guest stars today, Marc and Jeff.

Seinfeld Secondary Characters

(This week is going to be very busy for us here at Top 5 at our day jobs, so we'll leave a little morsel until next week, when we can crank them out.)

We love Seinfeld. Who doesn't. One of the things that made the show great was the recurring secondary characters. Here's our favorite, Tim sat this one out.

Wes
1. Newman
2. Frank Costanza
3. Jackie Chiles
4. Morty Seinfeld
5. David Puddy

Dave
1. George Steinbrenner
2. J. Peterman
3. Frank Costanza
4. Morty Seinfeld
5. Newman

Lame Villains

A great villain can really make a movie. Heath Ledger's The Joker, Norman Bates, Hannibal Lecter... they're very memorable and they're the star of the film. Then there's the other side: a villain so lame, so hilariously bad that you can't forget them either. Here's our (least?) favorites...

Cover Songs

Some songs are so good they deserve to be heard again and again. Too bad they never play those type of songs on the radio. And some songs sound pretty good as originals, and pretty fantastic when another artist covers it. These are our Top 5 cover songs. The usual Tuesday (we publish these a day later, maybe more) guest appearance by Marc.

This is a long post, so read on after the jump...

Weapons to Have in the Zombie Apocalypse

One day the zombie apocalypse will come. Don't say we didn't warn you. When it does, you better be prepared. Not just with gallons of gas and generators and canned goods and what not. But with weapons. You'll be fine if you have these 5. Sure, they're ridiculous and mainly fictitious, but we're talking about zombies.


When all else fails, have some brass knuckles as a backup.

1. Lightsabre



As if you really needed anything else.

2. Moonraker Laser


Suits are optional. Very optional.

Hey you never know, they might follow you into space. Also, it's a freaking laser.

3. Old Painless



For when you ain't got time to bleed.

4. Baseball Bat


Chipper Jones has a .788 slugging percentage against the undead.

It's so simple, and yet highly effective. Make sure you're stocked on pine tar.

5. Iron Man Suit

It flies. It shoots. It looks awesome.

Most Annoying Actors

This isn't a list of worst actors. Just the ones that annoy the crap out of us. Guest starring Marc.

Yeah he sucks too.

Tim
1. Nicolas Cage
2. Sean Penn
3. Juliette Lewis
4. Carlos Mencia
5. Richard Gere

Wes
1. Hugh Grant
2. Billy Crystal
3. Ben Afleck
4. George Clooney
5. Bruce Willis

Dave
1. Jimmy Fallon
2. Joe Pesci
3. Dane Cook
4. Nick Cage
5. Steven Seagal

Marc
1. Nicolas Cage
2. Carlos Mencia
3. Dane Cook
4. Vin Diesel
5. Steven Seagal

Movie Sequels

Who doesn't love a good sequel? You get to develop the characters more, you get to unveil new goodies, and you can introduce some really cool new characters. Here's our favorite five, fittingly all tied for second.

Good thing the planned sequel to this, Buckaroo Banzai Against the World Crime League wasn't made, or we'd have to break this list up. Seriously, the end of the credits promises a sequel.

T-2. The Dark Knight
T-2. The Empire Strikes Back
T-2. The Godfather, Part II
T-2. Terminator 2
T-2. The Two Towers

Vacation, All I Ever Wanted

Well it's the weekend, so this is an appropriate list. These are the Top 5 places we'd like to visit that we haven't been to before. Guest starring Marc.

As long was we don't take Oceanic Airlines there, we'll be fine.

Tim
Scotland
Mars
New Zealand
Hawaii
Alaska

Wes
Hawaii
Japan
Australia
Scotland
Alaska

Dave
Outer Space
Ireland
England
Germany
Key West

Marc
France
London
Puerto Rico
California
New Zealand

Tom Cruise Movies

We've tapped our inner thetans for this list.
Filling in for Wes is Dan.

Yes Tom, you're #1. And #2, 3, 4 and 5. Congrats.

Tim

1. The Last Samurai
2. Vanilla Sky
3. Collateral
4. Minority Report
5. Mission: Impossible

Dave

1. A Few Good Men
2. Collateral
3. The Color of Money
4. Jerry Maguire
5. Interview with the Vampire

Dan

1. A Few Good Men
2. Days of Thunder
3. Mission: Impossible
4. Tropic Thunder
5. The Last Samurai

Annoying Movie Characters

Jar Jar Binks is the most annoying movie character ever. Disagree? Try and name someone worse. You can't. And whoever you're thinking of is probably only in one film. Jar Jar brings his special brand of mind numbingly unfunny comic relief to three films. That can't be topped. Here are the 5 characters that gave it a valiant effort to top it.

Jar Jar's so bad he horrifies himself.

1. Chris Tucker in The Fifth Element
2. Pee Wee Herman
3. Roger Rabbit
4. Tobey Maguire in Spiderman 3
5. Hayden Christensen in Attack of the Clones

Thanks a lot George Lucas.

Sword Fights

Swords are awesome. Sword fights, even more awesome. Here's our favorite silver screen duels with a sword.

Really they're all just second to Indiana Jones vs. crazy swordsman.

1. Phantom Menace - Qui-Gon Jinn & Obi-Wan Kenobi vs. Darth Maul
2. Princess Bride - Westley vs. Inigo Montoya
3. Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest - Jack Sparrow vs. Will Turner vs. Capt. Norrington
4. Gladiator - Maximus vs. Tigris of Gaul & tigers
5. Rob Roy - Rob Roy vs. Archibald Cunningham

Laughing Gas

Our favorite comedic TV shows and movies, and our top stand up comics. Guest appearance by Marc.

I promise you Yakov Smirnoff is not on here.
Except for this photo.

Dave

TV Shows

1. Seinfeld
2. The Simpsons
3. Kids in the Hall
4. It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
5. Chappelle's Show

Movies

1. 40 Year Old Virgin
2. The Big Lebowski
3. Anchorman
4. Borat
5. This is Spinal Tap

Stand Up Comics

1. Bill Hicks
2. Eddie Izzard
3. Mitch Hedberg
4. Dave Chappelle
5. George Carlin

Wes

TV Shows

1. Seinfeld
2. The Simpsons
3. Curb Your Enthusiam
4. It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
5. Married with Children

Movies

1. Dumb and Dumber
2. Billy Madison
3. Death to Smoochy
4. Army of Darkness
5. Pick of Destiny

Stand Up Comics

1. Jerry Seinfeld
2. Sam Kinnison
3. Jim Carey
4. Bob Saget
5. Tom Greene

Tim

TV Shows

1. Arrested Development
2. Seinfeld
3. The Simpsons
4. Married with Children
5. The Office

Movies

1. The Big Lebowski
2. Dumb and Dumber
3. Super Troopers
4. Galaxy Quest
5. Blazing Saddles

Stand Up Comics

1. Chris Rock
2. Dave Chappelle
3. Eddie Murphy
4. Robin Williams
5. Patton Oswalt

Marc

TV Shows

1. Peep Show
2. It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
3. Arrested Development
4. South Park
5. Mighty Boosh

Movies

1. Anchorman
2. Pineapple Express
3. Superbad
4. Life of Brian
5. Jackass

Stand Up Comics

1. Robin Williams
2. Dave Chappelle
3. Eddie Izzard
4. Chris Rock
5. Mitch Hedberg

Mustaches, a pictorial

It's March Mustache Madness for us here at Top 5. Let's look at some of the ones we idolize.

Tim

1. Sam Elliot



2. Tom Selleck









3. Wilford Brimley



4. Hulk Hogan



5. Carl Weathers



Wes

1. Tom Selleck
2. Yanni



3. Sam Elliot
4. Burt Reynolds



5. Wilford Brimley

Dave

1. Sam Elliot
2. Wilford Brimley
3. Hulk Hogan
4. Edward James Olmos



5. Freddie Mercury

Metallica Songs

Let's start this off with a bang. Or a firework that melts your arm.


-AH!

Wes:
1. Fade to Black
2. The Day that Never Comes
3. For Whom the Bell Tolls
4. Damage, Inc.
5. Where the Wild Things Are

Tim:
1. Fade to Black
2. One
3. No Leaf Clover
4. Enter Sandman
5. Welcome Home (Sanitarium)

Dave:
1. Fade To Black
2. One
3. The Unforgiven
4. Wherever I May Roam
5. Master of Puppets